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Today began with a realization of a deadline. A deadline that I didn’t know if I wanted to meet. It was the simple renewal of my lease. Yet there is some uncertainty in my life that makes this simple act complicated. You see, I cannot say with any certainty where I will be this time next year. That fact alone is unnerving and evokes fear for me. I make lists and lists of lists and plan out years in advance. So not knowing what the next year will hold is new territory for me. And not a space I really want to explore, yet I know I cannot stay as I am.
So I turned on the television to avoid thinking about these issues, I turned to Joyce Meyer who was talking about fear. She stated that it’s not a sin to feel fear, but that what we do in response to fear demonstrates our faith/trust in God or lack thereof. This resonated with my pastor’s message two Sundays ago where he talked about Eve eating the fruit and that the act of eating the fruit wasn’t the big issue, but the fact that she didn’t trust God. Back to Joyce. She went on to say that whenever God commanded His people not to fear, the only reason He gave was because He was with them. No other reason not to fear. Not because you will get exactly what you want, or because there is no need to fear. But “Fear not, for I am with thee” (Isaiah 43:5). Joyce continues that we should move forward even in the face of fear. Easier said than done, Joyce.
However I knew that this message was timed for me. The reason I have no idea where I will be this time next year is that I will have to respond to the decisions made by others. Life is about responding to others’ moves, yet we often forget that. Marriage. Child-rearing. Driving. Conversations….at least the good ones. All these require you to respond to the decisions made by others. Yet when the implications of decisions become great, we often realize how little we control in our daily lives. When spouses decide to stray, when children decide to rebel, when drivers and speakers decide not to abide by the rules of the road or common courtesy, we realize that there is very little outside ourselves that we can control.
This is the space I inhabit currently.
Yet still, there is also very little within ourselves that we can control. I spent the morning with my endocrinologist. My immune system has decided that it doesn’t like my thyroid, and it didn’t consult me before making this call.
So I know enough (which is very little) to go to the scriptures and sit there on days like today. I sat down in Isaiah 43. Thank you, Isaiah. He reminds us of just who God is…He is the one that has redeemed us, called us by name, and we are his.
I am reminded that, “Yea, before the day was I am he; and there is none that can deliver out of my hand: I will work, and who shall let it?” (Isaiah 43:13)
When it feels as though your life is no longer in your hands, you must remember that it was never truly in your hands or it shouldn’t be. As a Christian, you were and will always be in God’s hands.
